Wood — Cat Collins

Nico: After an off-season drunken naked hockey game sliced my manhood off, I was whisked away to the secret island of Dr. Horatio Frankenpeen who used a little bit of medical science and a whole lot of magic to restore my crotch to its former glory. Get this: using a magic piece of wood from a famous puppet. Cool, right? It worked exactly like it should if you know what I mean, so I went back to my life as the star of the San Antonio Tower NHL team. Only after a small blip at an interview, I was given a special media consultant to shadow my every move so the bad press didn't get worse. When I started spouting the lies she fed me, I noticed a problem downtown.My replacement eggplant grew every time I lied. That left me with a conundrum: tell the truth and get booted off the team or lie and grow right out of my jock strap. Which do you think I chose? Laurel: I'd coached people back from things worse than angry outbursts before. It was the wooden member that was going to be difficult to navigate. If I didn't get Nico's penchant for honesty under control, we'd both be out of a job. He was going to have to get used to lying. Just like me when I said I wasn't attracted to him.Disclaimer: At present is not medically possible to reattach an appendage with a piece of wood. (Come on, future. Don't let us down!), so please don't hack off any eggplants as a result of this story. And don't worry, there will not be any splinters