To The Rude Guy in Apartment Five — J.S. Cooper

To The Rude Guy in Apartment Five,I'm glad you're happy to have moved into a new apartment, but no:I do not want to have a beer with you.I do not want to have a nude sleepover.I do not want to make you breakfast, lunch or dinner, no matter how many lap dances you promise to give me.I do not need you to serenade me through the walls at 1am.And no, I have no interest in letting you take me on a date.Sincerely,Magnolia AllenP.S. And no, I do not want to know how many accents you can growl in duringintimate moments. How is that even a thing?P. P. S. Also, you will never finding me standing naked in your living room everagain, so please stop leaving lingerie packages on my welcome mat.