Good Advice For Bad People - a Dear Cthulhu collection — Patrick Thomas

For generations, those whom others would shun because of their questionable moral choices had no one to turn to when they needed help navigating life. If you are among them or need help yourself, rejoice and be rudderless no more. Dear Cthulhu has arrived and with his second edition of collection of columns, he continues his quest to aid humankind by givingGood Advice for Bad People.Here' a sample of Dear Cthulhu's wisdom-Dear Cthulhu,I recently had a very traumatic experience at the dentist's office. Two days ago I had a root canal and was put under. I came out of the gas early, only to see the dentist getting off of me. His pants were at his ankles and it was obvious what he had done. I'm understandably upset, but I can't help but wonder if it's karma. You see, a couple of weekends before a couple of guys gave me a hundred bucks to put drugs in my girlfriend's drink so they could get with her. Normally, I would have told them to buzz off, but I really wanted to get one of those new U-pod MP3 players, so I did it. Do you think this is my karmic payback? -Going Around While Others Come AroundDear Going, Probably. The universe has a perverse sense of humor and you got what you deserved. But what about your dentist? Does he get off scott free? Cthulhu thinks not. You can be the instrument of Karma instead of its victim. Call Dr. Loose Pants and share with him what you remember, then tell him you were a virgin and now you're pregnant. Blackmail him for all you can get by promising to go for a DNA test once the baby's born. After the check clears, report that you made a mistake and were just late. And tape all your conversations in case you need more money down the road.Dear Cthulhu, I have a job and a boss that I hate. The slime bag treated me like crap, so I took my revenge by peeing in his coffee pot every morning. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it ended up backfiring on me. It turns out he loved my special blend and couldn't get enough of it. He told the entire office and they loved it too. I'm not really sure why, but I am diabetic which is supposed to make the urine sweet. That or they were all just used to really horrible coffee. Without telling me, my idiot boss entered my brew in a contest that Spacebucks Coffeehouse was running to find the best new coffee. I won and they offered me a ton of money to manage one of their biggest shops and make my special blend for the customers. I'm torn. I could use the money and it would be a huge relief to get out of this office. What should I do? -A Real Pisser In PittsburghDear Pisser, Take the job, but insist on your own private office to make the coffee. And remember to drink lots of fluids.