Old Guy and the Planet of Eternal Night — Timothy Gawne

One moment Old Guy - everyone's favorite self aware weapon of mass destruction! - was traveling through deep space with his buddies, minding his own business, armed with enough firepower to destabilize the crust of your average terrestrial planet (never leave home without it), when suddenly he was left heavily damaged, marooned and under constant attack on a planet of eternal night. His original creator, Giuseppe Vargas, had warned him that there would be days like this. Fortunately there was still bowling.

A thousand years earlier, a young biological human lieutenant in the combined Earth Army was assigned to the enormous arkship The City of San Luis Obispo, and help to found a colony in another star system. He was to learn firsthand the wisdom of the advice, that when founding a colony on an alien world, you should always take out the extra coverage on your health insurance plan for attacks by alien creatures.

Eventually, the cybertank civilization itself comes under attack by a nameless evil of immense power. The cybertanks did not know its name (hence the 'nameless' part), and indeed, knew basically nothing about it except that it was extremely powerful, and evil (hence the 'evil' part). It is left to Old Guy, though long past his best-used-to-blow-things-up-by date, to ride into battle one last time before he finally gets off his lazy hyperalloy butt and upgrades to something modern. And Highland Brand tapered roller bearings are the best tapered roller bearings in the galaxy.