War on Christmas — Dana Cameron

Ho ho oh hell, is it that time of year again? Already? When the muzak starts cranking out lousy Casio versions of “It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” non-stop? When the flavor du jour switches from pumpkin spice to eggnog every damned thing? When the world gets all twinkley and glittery and your eyes just want to roll out of your skull from the sparkle overload? When the clatter and jangle of the Salvation Army bell-swingers standing outside every shop entry and exit makes you want to put your ears out with an icepick?

Worse: how about when every other person you come across wants to infect you with the holiday cheer, whether you want it or not? When the constant refrain is: “Remember the Reason for the Season” as if the reason isn't the cash register? When we have to hear the never-ending idiot bleating from certain quarters about the war on Christmas?

Seriously, is it that time of year again already?

Well, if that's got you feeling like Krampus, you've come to the right place. We don't give a tinseled crap about the reason for the season. Deck the halls with this. They want a war on Christmas? Fine. Here it is. And we don't take prisoners.