Cutlasses & Conjuring — John Salonia

SET SAIL ON THE SEVEN SEAS OF HILARITY! At last the fabulous exploits of Captain Aleister Gaspard, the not-quite-King of the Buccaneers, can be told! Compiled from the horribly misspelled journals of his biographer at tremendous expense (and no end of eyestrain), these tales of the freebooting reaver of the Seven Seas (well, six-and-a-half, really. . .but just give him time!) will shiver your timbers (and tickle your funnybone). Gaspard sets off on a wild odyssey complete with rich booty, curses, licentious pagan goddesses, bloodthirsty pirate queens, desperate alliances, living treasure maps, fiendish sirens, larcenous abbots, doublecrosses, cannibal giants, and more rats than you can shake a stick at. Watch Gaspard match wits (what he has of them) with his rivals, the vicious but voluptuous Valencia de Karré, and the even-more-vicious (but scarcely as appealing) Captain Gilligan Skokes, both of whom have scores to settle with the wannabe Pirate King. It's sword & sorcery, pirate style. So set sail with Captain Gaspard, Red Patch Pete, and the rest (and I don't mean the Professor and Mary-Ann) for some laughably larcenous adventures.